Stepping out

     So after talking with Trevor the other day, I realized I need to step out and try to connect more with other parents.  Which I discovered today is going to have its challenges. A is 6 months now and the days of laying around all day nursing are behind us. She needs stimulation and community and other babies to interact with.

     We've been in a routine since she was about 2 months old where we wake up in the morning to snuggle and nurse. Then she plays on her mat for a bit while I try to get some cleaning done or shower.  Then she nurses again and naps a bit snuggled up to me.  By then it's usually just before noon so I get her ready, herd the dogs out of the apartment and down the stairs (elevator is broken) and get everyone into the van and drive to the off leash dog park for an hour before heading home and having a quick lunch before putting A down for a nap.

     It occurred to me this week that A's needs are changing.  Taking her out in her carrier to the dog park as our outing for the day isn't enough stimulation for her anymore.  

     So this morning I packed A up in the stroller and took her down the street to the neighborhood house for their family drop in. She loved it. When we got there, there was snack being served and I ended up seeing a woman that I had met a couple years ago at an early childhood education workshop.  

     And this is when I was reminded that my journey of being an out and proud Mapa did not end with me coming out to people while I was pregnant.  I was also reminded that it's not just my journey anymore. It's also Autumns journey and It's our family journey.

     The woman I ran into knows me in the context of childcare work and assumed at first that I was A's nanny.  She was there with 3 children from her home daycare.  I explained that A was my daughter and that I am the stay at home parent. I realized my 'passing filter' was kicking in.  My old faithful from my 8 years of passing before my pregnancy. This is when I start to talk about myself and edit and omit and thing that would connect to my trans identity. 

"How long have you been her nanny?"  The woman asked. 

"Oh...this is my daughter" I replied.

"Ooooh..."  said the woman "So you work some days and your wife works the other days?"

This is when I paused.  I could have said "Actually my husband works full time, I am the stay at home parent".

I didn't though.  I answered "Actually I am the stay at home parent".  By not correcting her, I let her assume I was strait and cis-gendered.  It's like wearing an invisibility cloak. 

A will never remember this interaction which is good.  I'm going to have to practice inviting being out to people.  That starts with opening up and saying things that might possibly lead people to ask questions like "Oh your husband! So...did you adopt?"  Which is when I would reply "No we didn't adopt, I am transgendered and I carried and gave birth to my daughter".  So next time I have the opportunity to do this, I will.  And then, I will blog about it! Promise ;) 

Until next time...

Reflection on accessing health care while pregnant

It's a beautiful sunny summer day. Although it's still technically spring for a few more weeks. I took A to to the park by my house with the dogs. I have a pit bull and a chihuahua so we are quite the pack when we are out and about. I brought a blanket and a picnic. I ate my sandwich and chatted to people in the park while A rolled around on the blanket and chewed on a strawberry.  The dogs lay content in the sun.  It was a nice day.

Earlier today I chatted on Skype to Trevor from the Birthing and Breastfeeding Transmen and Allies Facebook page for an interview for a study he's doing around trans people, pregnancy and healthcare.

I can't believe how good it was to talk to someone who is like me.  I feel lighter.  And it was good to talk about my pregnancy experience with the healthcare system which is something I've been meaning to blog about on here too.  

We used a doula and midwives. They were all amazing.  Our doula, Michelle Maclean (www.thedivinechild.ca) is friends with a close friend of ours and we had met her before in social situations so we felt comfortable going with her.  We met with her during the early months of the pregnancy.  She was so excited!  It was sweet how much she celebrated us.  She lent us books and gave us advice to prepare for the months ahead and the birth.  I could text or call her anytime I was feeling worried about something and she always got back to me right away.  During the birth she was a solid support and really helped guide us through the whole ordeal.  She also helped hook us up with donor breast milk for our wee one's first few months. 

Our midwifery care with Strathcona Midwifery Collective was also amazing.  I remember thinking during my pregnancy that once the baby was born, I was going to miss having such stellar health care and I do.  The midwives treated us with dignity and respect and I felt so taken care of and in control of my own birth.  I had anticipated maybe having to pass as someone I wasn't (like a really butch female?) in order to get proper care for my pregnancy but this wasn't the case at all.  I felt I could totally be myself and the care they provided totally fit with what I needed.  Our midwives felt like part of our community and still do. I felt pretty lucky because I know not all trans people going through pregnancy have such positive interactions with health care professionals.

Cora from Strathcona Midwifery collective was our midwife who was there for A's birth. I remember a few times during the labour thinking to myself "damn I'm lucky!" Cora was so solid and calm. We tried to deliver at home but ended up going to the hospital. Again I found myself feeling so lucky that Cora was also my ally and part of my community. Having her there at the hospital just put me at ease. The hospital experience will be its own blog post though so I will move on. 

I had really bad back pain that started halfway through my second trimester and persisted throughout the rest of my pregnancy. I ended up needing chiro, physio and tried acupuncture as well.  My doula and midwives recommended places to go that specialized in pregnancy related pain.  I remember feeling nervous.  I felt so vulnerable because I really needed support.  My back was too painful to ignore and I was having trouble sleeping.   I was afraid that I would be turned away or treated badly by these people that could offer me relief.  

I didn't even have the guts to call places at first.  I would have my husband do it for me and explain my situation.  He said he found this difficult because he was often talking to the front desk person and not the person that would be working with me.  He suggested I try emailing the person that would be working with me to explain my situation.  This way I wasn't showing up to an appointment and having the awkward conversation that 'yes' I was in the right place and well...you get the picture.

I tried a physiotherapist Joanna Hermano with Electra health floor recommended by my midwives.  I made the appointment then sent an email as my husband suggested.  The email went something like this:  "Hi I'm Elliot, I have an appointment with you this Thursday for pregnancy related back pain.  You came highly recommended by my midwives.  I am transgender so I look male and use male pronouns.  See you Thursday."

http://www.electrahealthfloor.com/physiotherapy-vancouver/joanna-hermano.html

Joanna wrote back saying thanks for letting her know and that she would see me at the appointment.  When I got there we talked about my needs and my back pain and she gave me my treatment and that's it.  No curious questions about being trans, just a conversation relevant to my care.  So simple and so appropriate! I continued to see Joanna for my whole pregnancy and still go to her now.  What I really like about her is she has never made me being trans the focus of our appointments but she didn't ignore this part of me either.  I remember during one of our post partum sessions she said she'd been thinking about me during my pregnancy and wondered if it had been difficult to find comfortable clothes to wear.  I felt like she saw me as a whole person with trans being a part of that. 

Emailing places before appointments really helped. I think it was helpful for the healthcare professional to be aware that I was coming and it really helped my overall anxiety before going to an appointment.  The acupuncturists at Poke Community Acupuncture were great and so was Stephanie Bonn at Coco Chiro. 

I think what I learned about my needs around accessing health care as a trans person during my pregnancy is that I don't need being trans to be the main focus of that care unless its to do with my transition. I also learned that curious questions about my body and transition that aren't relevant to my care are innapropriate. Luckily I had so many experiences like the ones described above where this didn't happen. I chose to focus on my positive experiences for this post. 

That's all for now!