But first, here is a link to Qmunity's queer terminology for folks who are reading this that are not as familiar with all the queer and trans language I'll be using in these posts.
http://www.qmunity.ca/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Queer-Terminology-Web-Version-Sept-2013.pdf
Leading up to when I got pregnant I had alot going through my head. I was managing a busy child care centre and was not out as trans to the staff, parents or children. I was passing and therefore being read as a gay cis gendered male. I had a good relationship with my boss and my colleagues.
I had been off hormones for about a year before getting pregnant which brought about its own changes. My emotions were faster and demanded more of my attention, My body changed. My muscle mass shifted and people often commented in my weight. Apparently it looked like I had lost weight. I was suprised actually how many people I barely knew commented on my weight but that is a topic I will save for another post!
I found out I was pregnant on my birthday last year. I was pretty sure I was pregnant. I knew the day after conception. My nipples were really sore and my husband said I smelt different. Even though I was almost sure I was pregnant, holding that positive home pregnancy test with two lines on it made everything very real.
How did I feel? Excited! Relieved that the trying part of the journey was over and scared. Like, really scared. Not just because I'm a trans guy but also just the reality of the responsibily of bringing a new life into the world really hit me like a tonne of bricks.
The first few months of being pregnant I didn't tell anyone except for a few close friends. I was really nauseous like all the time. I spent alot of time sleeping and trying not to throw up. When I wasn't doing that, I was doing alot of thinking about how I was going to navigate the world during my pregnancy.
I just kept thinking 'I want this little life to be proud of where they came from'. I realized I needed to model this pride starting with the pregnancy. I had spent a large part of the 8 years leading up to my pregnancy passing as a cis gendered male in my work and school spaces. Outside of my queer and trans community, I was afraid to tell people I was trans. Ideally I like people to know and feel more comfortable around folks that know I'm trans but I was often too scared to tell people. I was convinced that being out as trans would effect my success in my work.
At work, I basically had two choices for my pregnancy. I could hide it and not tell anyone, letting people think what they wanted about my growing tummy. Or I could tell everyone. I contemplated going off work once my tummy got too big to hide and then telling everyone later on that we had adopted. That just didn't feel right though. I was so excited about this new little life and I wanted to celebrate with the people around me. A couple of the families I worked with were also expecting babies around the same time as me. I would smile and listen quietly while my staff would chat excitedly to the expectant mothers. I felt invisible. I wanted to be seen and celebrated just like anyone else.
I work at a child care centre for infants and toddlers. I had been transferred there about 6 months before I became pregnant. I was still getting to know the staff and families and was worried how they would react to the pregnancy. The thought of telling everyone really overwhelmed me so I decided to break it up into 3 parts. First, I would tell my boss then, my staff and finally the Familes I worked with.
I was so nervous. I kept thinking of the worst possible scenario. That people would treat me bad, ice me or say ignorant things to me. I'm part of a union so luckily I wasn't worried about losing my job. It was more like, I had spent all this time in my job building relationships with people and I was worried that when they found out I was trans and not cis gendered like they thought, they would be weirded out and treat me differently. I imagined my staff all threatening to quit and pictured the Familes taking their children out of the centre.
So I told my boss first. You know what she said? "Holy shit!" Then she offered her support in telling the staff at my centre. She said if anyone showed any discrimination that she would come and talk to them. Woot! So, I was off to a good start.
Next came telling my staff. I decided to tell them at our staff meeting so that I could tell everyone all at once. I started off by saying"I have some big news" and one of the staff said "what are you having a baby?" I think she was joking but then I said "well, actually..." and watched their jaws slowly drop to the floor as I explained that I am transgendered, what that meant and that I was pregnant! I also told them that if they had any curious questions about how that all worked, to go home and use google and they should find any answers to their questions. They hugged me! They clapped their hands with excitement. Most of the women that I worked with were older with children and grand children of their own. They said thank you for telling them. They said they would be there for me and that they would support me. They also said "now we understand why you have been eating so much!" And "oh your moods Elliot! Now we understand!" I thought that was funny :).
A couple days after that meeting, one staff approached me and told me that she was actually really confused after the meeting but went home and used google to find out about trans people and pregnancy. She thanked me again for telling her because now she could learn about trans people and be a good support to me and any other trans people she might meet.
I was so glad I told the women I work with. I was 5 months pregnant by the time I worked up the nerve to tell them but so relieved once I did. As scary as it was it was so nice to be seen! It was so nice to be celebrated! And not only that, it was so nice to be treated like a pregnant person. Everyone at work was so helpful in making sure I didn't have to work too hard or lift heavy things.
Even though my baby wasn't born yet I was already a parent. Coming out helped me I really see this and to be aware of how my actions impacted my child. If I hadn't come out, it would have been harder to ask for help when I needed it. I may have ended up working longer hours and lifting things that were too heavy. I beleive the energy around my pregnancy was so impacted by coming out. My sweet babe could be celebrated by more people giving her more true connections in this world.
When I go back to work my daughter will be coming with me and attending the child care centre where I work. She can proudly point at my belly and say that's where she came from.
Bring pregnant pushed me to get over my fear of telling people outside my community that I'm trans. I became more visible, which is something I missed when passing. I feel more present and stronger by overcoming those fears. I'm also proud that this is the me my daughter will know and look up too.
Coming out while pregnant layed down the foundation for staying out as her birthing parent. More on that in another post.
I eventually told the families I work with that I was pregnant shortly before I went on my leave. By that time, I was confident that I had the support of my staff. The families overall reacted positively as well. Lucky me!
As a disclaimer for this post, I know not all trans people live in a place that is so open minded. I also know that not all trans people wish to be out as trans even if they could be. This blog is about me and my own experience and isn't meant to speak to anyone else's experience.
That's all for now! 
