While I'm on the subject of nursing, I would like to write a bit about this complicated relationship I've found myself in. The first couple months after she was born it felt like a struggle most days to even get this relationship established. The struggle was mostly to do with getting her to stay latched and to have a proper latch. It was stressful! We were also going back and forth with bottle feeding. For awhile there every time she bottle fed, I felt overwhelmed with guilt that I was failing at nursing and somehow inadequate as a parent who is trans. It was complicated. And hard. I definitely went to some dark places at times and was heavily dependant on the support of my partner.
I had 2 surgeries in 2008 to create a male looking chest. The first surgery they used liposuction to suck out the breast tissue and then the second surgery several months later cut away any extra skin. I was pretty happy with this surgery. I loved the feel of my t-shirt against my back. I loved the freedom of not binding my chest anymore.
When I became pregnant last year I wasn't sure how the hormonal changes would effect my chest. Sure enough, after a few months of being pregnant it started to look like my chest was growing back a little. This was hard but I was still comfortable in a t- shirt and I helped myself through this part of my pregnancy by reminding myself that my chest would probably go back to normal after the babe was born.
I didn't think alot about nursing while I was pregnant. I knew there was a possibilty that I would be able to nurse but as far as planning for it, I was really only able to think about crossing that bridge when I came to it. When the babe was born and a few days later I discovered I was indeed producing milk, it was only then that I realized how much I deeply wanted to nurse her. All my newly found "Mapa" instincts were driving me to go down that road and I was torn at first. Like I basically remember being at a cross roads and saying to myself "I'll probably need to sacrifice the male looking chest I once had if I want to do this and am I going to be ok with that?" I remember saying out loud that this is what I should do because it's what's best for her. My husband assured me that what's best for me would also be best for her.
So in my raw emotional after birthing state, I made the choice to prioritize nursing. I would say the first several weeks were so so challenging for me, the babe and my partner for sure. Everytime she rejected latching I was trapped in the sinking feeling that my body was incomplete and that was why she wasn't latching. This caused much stress and I'm sure affected her latching. It wasn't until I recognized the effect the stress was having on nursing that things began to feel better and to finally feel established. A was about 2 months old by then.
A is now just over 5 months old and our nursing relationship feels like an old comfortable sweater. There are still challenges at times but nothing that feels overwhelming. Nursing is her quiet time, her cuddly time and her going to bed time. I cherish these times when she is snuggled up on me and pulls off her latch to smile up at me with her shiny eyes.
And my chest? Yes, nursing has changed my chest. I seem to have more milk ducts on my left side. She nurses on both sides but pulls off sooner on the right. My left side actually looks like a small breast again. And did I mention I'm on a swim team? All my swim mates were quite supportive during my pregnancy and didn't even seem that weirded out by a guy in a speedo with a big pregnant belly. They would make jokes that I drank too much beer or that I had swallowed a basket ball. I can say I feel more self conscious now with my lop sided Mapa chest but I'm proud of it too because I feed my babe with it! And my team continues to be supportive asking how A is doing and then just talking about our workout and what we'll be eating after practice.
Some days I think to myself 'what have I done to this chest I worked so hard for?' But my joyful feelings from nursing are louder than those worries and I know my body will be ever changing. I'm not sure how long I will continue nurse, it's just something we take day by day.
That's all for now. A bit of a long post I know. Hope you enjoy.
P.s. by the time I'd finished writing this, Boston had made a come back in the end of the 3rd period and kicked Montreals ass by tieing up the game and scoring the winning goal in the last few minutes of the period. Oh well :/
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